Murphy Geer Toerner
- Murphy's Devotions
- Austin TX and Baton Rouge, LA, United States
- I enjoy helping people. I am an encourager and I can see the good in others. I want people to understand what it means to be an authentic Christian and not just a religious "nut." I believe if Christians lived and loved others as Jesus lived and loved others, we would experience more of heaven on earth than hell on earth. These thoughts and writings are intended to encourage you to be who God originally designed you to be. They are also intended to challenge you and make you think. Also, I want you to know that I'm praying for you every day. Blessings, Murphy Blessings to you, Murphy
Monday, June 29, 2009
“Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when friends and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re ‘losing themselves’ and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still ‘know who they are’. They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.” (p.56)
“Differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” (p. 57)
“Emotional fusion is the opposite of differentiation.”(p.57)
“Emotional fusion is connection without separation… Emotional fusion is a tenacious emotional link between people that allows anxiety to flow between them. It arises as the consequence of incomplete emotional development, wherein each partner relies on the other to support and supplant is or her functioning. (“Few of us are highly developed when we marry-marriage itself makes us grow up. To the degree that you are not a well-developed human, you will be emotionally fused with the people around you.” p. 295) I’m not referring to some kind of unconscious feeling, but rather a tangible process by which people pass anxiety between them.” (p. 116)
“Lack of differentiation alienates us from those we love. Emotional fusion deceives us into thinking that we’re not connected and we move away in defense. But the deeper truth is that we have to move away to counterbalance the tremendous impact we feel our spouse has on us. Or, unable to turn away, we turn ourselves over to the connection, but it feels engulfing.” (p. 57)
“Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship.” (p. 67).
“The differentiated self is solid but permeable, allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mold or manipulate you.” (p. 67).
“Differentiation doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions. You can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in his or her emotions. You can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. You have feelings, but they don’t control you or define your sense of self.” (p. 68).
“…we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation our parents achieved. Our basic level of differentiation is pretty much established by adolescence and can remain at that level for life. In the process of regulating their own emotions, poorly differentiated parents pressure their children for togetherness or distance, which stops children from developing their ability to think, feel, and act for themselves. They learn to conduct themselves only in reaction to others.” (p. 69).
“By now the paradoxes of differentiation should be clear: while differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It’s about getting closer and more distinct-rather than more distant. “ (p. 74).
Excerpts compiled by Anne Hays from Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Type A - not getting what a child (legitimately) needs in the early developmental stages of life.
Comes in the form of withholding -- touch, love, safety, positive affirmations. Impacts how a
child sees the world around them.
Type B - getting what a child does not need in the early developmental stages of life. Comes in
the form of punishment, abuse (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual), criticism, etc.
Impacts how a child sees himself or herself.
Type C - event trauma This happens in our environment -- accidents, natural disasters
Type D - betrayal trauma When someone betrays a sacred trust. It is a betrayal because of a power differential or age differential. One person holds significant influence over another. Examples: coach, teacher, parent, step-parent, member of extended family, and/or older sibling.
Type E - sustained duress This is the "water torture" of trauma. The exposure is persistent and pervasive and causes the person to "wear" the trauma. (You're stupid!) Constant message that you are less than others around you.
Look at each of these carefully.
Do you recognize any of them (or all of them) being present in your life?
How has trauma impacted you?
Have you sought help or are you trying to hanging there and let it dissipate on its own?
Is there anything the Lord wants you to do right now?
Monday, June 15, 2009
From most vantage points, Earth looks like a beautiful place. No one suspects the degrees of darkness and danger inherently present. Originally, Earth was created to be a garden. Since the Fall of Man, it's been relegated to hell on earth. Satan and his minions, the evil ways and philosophies of the world, and the indwelling principle of flesh wreak havoc. From our first breath to our last, we undergo intense, intentional, and continual assaults on our persons and our environment.
Most often, we are hurt by those closest to us. The culprits of our demise include our: mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers (other extended family members), friends, co-workers, and/or bosses. The proximity of close relationships and the frequency of interactions insure multiple opportunities for injurious exchanges. When injured, our responses include: concealing, denying, minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, or excusing the injury. If multiple injuries are sustained, most of us will isolate in an effort to protect ourselves from further harm. The bad thing about isolation is it leads to eccentricity. In the case of a life-time of on-going injuries, our perspective about life, God, people, ourselves, safety, risk, reality and truth is thoroughly affected.