FRIENDS...

Friends are very special people who accept each other with a unconditional caring.

They recognize each other's talents and faults and acknowledge them without judgment.

They are incapable of turning away when times are tough and life's problems seem hard to bear.

Instead, they encourage each other so they can enjoy the good times and find strength to endure the bad times.

They're never afraid to say what they feel and can be honest without causing hurt or pain.

They can depend on each other because they have the kind of trust that allows them to share the best and worst of their lives with laughter and without fear.

May you be this kind of friend...

By Andrea L. Hines - Blue Mountain Arts

Lord, I Surrender

Lord, I surrender all that I am and all that I possess to You today.

I fully understand and am very thankful for all that You have blessed me with. 

I know that with Your blessings comes responsibilities.  

I ask that You forgive me when I look to other people or material items for happiness and fulfillment.

I know You are my source.  I know You are my strength.  I know You are my everything.

You define the quality of my life.

I give my life back to You today, fully surrendered and fully devoted to Your cause.

I love You and thank You for being Lord of my life.

Amen

Differentiation

“Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when friends and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re ‘losing themselves’ and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still ‘know who they are’. They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.” (p.56)

“Differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” (p. 57)

“Emotional fusion is the opposite of differentiation.”(p.57)

“Emotional fusion is connection without separation… Emotional fusion is a tenacious emotional link between people that allows anxiety to flow between them. It arises as the consequence of incomplete emotional development, wherein each partner relies on the other to support and supplant is or her functioning. (“Few of us are highly developed when we marry-marriage itself makes us grow up. To the degree that you are not a well-developed human, you will be emotionally fused with the people around you.” p. 295) I’m not referring to some kind of unconscious feeling, but rather a tangible process by which people pass anxiety between them.” (p. 116)

“Lack of differentiation alienates us from those we love. Emotional fusion deceives us into thinking that we’re not connected and we move away in defense. But the deeper truth is that we have to move away to counterbalance the tremendous impact we feel our spouse has on us. Or, unable to turn away, we turn ourselves over to the connection, but it feels engulfing.” (p. 57)

“Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship.” (p. 67).

“The differentiated self is solid but permeable, allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mold or manipulate you.” (p. 67).

“Differentiation doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions. You can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in his or her emotions. You can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. You have feelings, but they don’t control you or define your sense of self.” (p. 68).

“…we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation our parents achieved. Our basic level of differentiation is pretty much established by adolescence and can remain at that level for life. In the process of regulating their own emotions, poorly differentiated parents pressure their children for togetherness or distance, which stops children from developing their ability to think, feel, and act for themselves. They learn to conduct themselves only in reaction to others.” (p. 69).

“By now the paradoxes of differentiation should be clear: while differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It’s about getting closer and more distinct-rather than more distant. “ (p. 74).

Excerpts compiled by Anne Hays from Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Five Traumas

Dr. Terry Wardle, Ashland Theological Seminary, has described five types of trauma:

Type A - not getting what a child (legitimately) needs in the early developmental stages of life.
Comes in the form of withholding -- touch, love, safety, positive affirmations. Impacts how a
child sees the world around them.

Type B - getting what a child does not need in the early developmental stages of life. Comes in
the form of punishment, abuse (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual), criticism, etc.
Impacts how a child sees himself or herself.

Type C - event trauma    This happens in our environment -- accidents, natural disasters

Type D - betrayal trauma     When someone betrays a sacred trust. It is a betrayal because of a power differential or age differential. One person holds significant influence over another. Examples: coach, teacher, parent, step-parent, member of extended family, and/or older sibling.

Type E - sustained duress    This is the "water torture" of trauma. The exposure is persistent and pervasive and causes the person to "wear" the trauma. (You're stupid!) Constant message that you are less than others around you.


Look at each of these carefully.

Do you recognize any of them (or all of them) being present in your life?

How has trauma impacted you?

Have you sought help or are you trying to hanging there and let it dissipate on its own?

Is there anything the Lord wants you to do right now?

Living in Community

Life on earth is treacherous. No one escapes injury. No one!

From most vantage points, Earth looks like a beautiful place. No one suspects the degrees of darkness and danger inherently present. Originally, Earth was created to be a garden.  Since the Fall of Man, it's been relegated to hell on earth.  Satan and his minions, the evil ways and philosophies of the world, and the indwelling principle of flesh wreak havoc.  From our first breath to our last, we undergo intense, intentional, and continual assaults on our persons and our environment.

Most often, we are hurt by those closest to us.  The culprits of our demise include our: mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers (other extended family members), friends, co-workers, and/or bosses. The proximity of close relationships and the frequency of interactions insure multiple opportunities for injurious exchanges.  When injured, our responses include: concealing, denying, minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, or excusing the injury.  If multiple injuries are sustained, most of us will isolate in an effort to protect ourselves from further harm.  The bad thing about isolation is it leads to eccentricity.  In the case of a life-time of on-going injuries, our perspective about life, God, people, ourselves, safety, risk, reality and truth is thoroughly affected.   

Although we are HURT in community; our greatest chance to HEAL is in community.   Healing takes place when there are people in our lives who care and love us extravagantly.  We heal when someone has the courage to look at our dark junk, sit in it with us, and refuse to run away or abandon us. We heal when we are loved with the love of Jesus Christ as He manifests Himself through brothers and sisters in Christ.  

What is your "community" like?  Do you have one?  Do you have one person in your life who will walk with you as you journey toward God?  Are you a safe person for those around you? These are important questions.  Take some time to ponder them.  Ask the Lord for direction on how to be a vibrant part of a Godly community.  

Blessings, 

Murphy